Human Animal Behavior (Cont….)

The last time I wrote the following topic it was just a casual conversation. Soon it turned out that people actually compare me with different animals. One day one of my colleagues told me that the other day he saw my true copy. I (out of curiosity) asked him, “where?” He told “in Krishna temple. Even though he looked like you they were calling him the temple elephant.”

This got me thinking “am I the only human who imparts the animal behavior?” thus it came to me all the word told to me by people in my entire life.

My dad – “Keep on roaming like a street dog” (when he found that instead of going to school I was playing with my friends)

My mom – “ You eat like a pig” (I used to feed the table more than myself)

My Brother – “You monkey?” (After I tore off his assignment book)

My Teacher – “Parrot also learns better than you” (Thanks to my brains)

My hostel warden – “You sleep more than a horse” (after I missed the school for one whole)

My Room Mate – “A rattle snake makes less noise than you” (after he heard me snoring)

My Friends – “Leech” (Leaving them after making them spend all their pocket money on me)

My Boss – “A donkey is better than you” (he wants me to works 8 hours a day.)

My EX-GF – “You can beat any bear in body hair competition” (this made me lose all my hair on the head)

Human Animal Behavior

Note: This is a true conversation, which took place behind the back of lots of people.

Today I was in company cab coming down to office when it started to rain. I asked one of my colleague,

Me: What does it mean when it rains and sun is also out?
He: I don’t know!
Me: it means that somewhere a hyena is getting married!
He: do animals get married?
Me: ok tell me, are human being animal?
He: yes.
Me: do humans marry?
He: (he a bit skeptical) but humans are better than animals.
Me: Yes or no?
He: yes.
Me: you know humans are the only animals, which are compared with different animals
He: prove it?
Me: when one drinks too much people call him/ her dog!
He: what’s wrong with it?
Me: have u heard any dog called as human?
He: (silent)
Me: when a human is drink a lot and falls in a gutter people call him Pig!
Me: when one is really silent and saintly people call him/her a cow
Me: do you know what do people call a person like you who has got fat all over (including brain)
He: no
Me: donkey.
He: do you what do people call when some one acts like a monkey?
Me: No
He: you.

End of conversation

Modesty In victory!

If you are an English professor please let me know the meaning of the title. All I know that this was my house motto. Not of the house I live in but the houses at school in which they divide the students into. You belong to blue house or yellow house. The system has changed now I asked a kid which house he is in blue or red (or some other color) and he said, “ No I am not in any of those houses. I am ivory House and my best friend is in mint house. And my house motto is ‘Break away’. And my best friend house motto is ‘ever fresh’” It reminded me of my house motto and when I learnt the meaning of that.

I: Madam what does my house motto means?
Madam: Stupid you don’t know that!!
I: no ma’am.
Madam: it means “one must stay modest even when one wins.”
I: Thank you ma’am

I remained in MODEst in all my victories. Whenever I won something I changed my mode from sad to happy but when it comes to treat it changes from happy to angry so that no one asks me for a treat. Last time I became modest was when I my project guide had a meeting with me.

Guide: we have called this meating to notify you that the product you are working on is to be finished before time.
Me: how much before?
Guide: say 5 days from now
Me: WTF! It’s till one month before deadline
Guide: That’s why I have called this meating . No go and start slogging the meat of the ass.

After that I got the meaning of meatings. It’s called to tell an individual how he/ she will be meated (butchered). I was working in this company to save myself from getting skinned. So I shot a mail to my supervisor

After today’s meeting I am ready to
work and give my best and not
resign soon. I will be working
18 – 20 hours per day not just
8 hours as was told, when I joined.
I wouldn’t be asking for any
Salary hikes till it’s given, I wouldn’t
ask for any change of designation and
be working for company’s good future.
It’s foolish of people who say
it’s impossible to finish on time. I
think the job is really small and I don’t
need of lots of resources to finish the job

Please read the above letter again but just the odd line starting from after today’s…

Better late than never

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time”
Marilyn Monroe

I used to be a writer for a small newspaper/ magazine group in India. They used to publish Bi-weekly (does it mean once in 2 week or twice a week) magazine. For which I was a permanent writer. Writers for the mag had to submit their “Creations” (the final draft) on or before first and third Wednesday of every month. When I was new the article were sent faster than the speed of their printing machines. My ed asked me to slow down and I got the speed of dot matrix printer. The editor was already tearing off his hair when I slowed down a little more and the last article I sent it was typed on a typewriter with one finger.

I being me never ever let my performance get hampered even after editors death threats

Excerpts of the meeting with the editor

Me- hello ed.
Ed- Huh! Who you?
Me- I am me.
Ed- who you?
Me- I came here to talk about my bi-weekly article.
Ed- who article?
Me- the magazine article

Now he is back in his sense

Ed- get out of my office this minute and don’t come back till you have the article ready.
Me- but this is just second Tuesday of the month.
Ed- I want the article that was supposed to be on my desk by first Wednesday
Me- ahh. That article. I will send it tomorrow
Ed- If I don’t get that article tomorrow SOMEONE WILL BE DEAD!
Me- who ed?
Ed- me!
Me- ok ed bye.
Ed- who you?

The editor was lost again.

I shot a mail to the editor telling him bout the delay. Here is the mail.

Hey its Hump day. Cheer up buddy. Its great that you have about to pass the weeks hump. The peak is passed. Now its all downhill so I am not planning to give you any more problems. As far as my article is considered, you can send the mag for a proof check I will send back my article directly on day of printing.

Enjoy the day!!
Hump Day

seriously serious!!

For last few days I tried to become as philosophical as much as I can get. There are reasons for everything. The reason of my being serious was something really serious. Here it goes.

I am a superstitious human being. My classmate during my school days told me that if I see a dream early in the morning, the dream would come true. I never believed them because I always saw a dream that it was holyday in my school. I even took colors to celebrate but my teachers beat me up black and blue. Than my friends told me only the bad dreams that come true.

A few days back I have been getting up after seeing one bad dream. The dreams are so threatening that I wake startled. The height of repetitiveness is so much that I hear the same background music.

The dream → I am sitting on my office chair for more than 3 hours now. 3 hours doing something which is the dream of every software engineer. All of them know that now all the torture of the engineering days is being paid back in ten folds. I am doing what I always wanted to do. I asked one of my friends “Hey you know that so and so guy is joining my company” and he scraped back saying “old news, dude!! Tell me something new!!” I have been exchanging events and gossips with my friend who is another company via the most reliable agent called Orkut! The tag line of orkut, “who do you know!” fascinated me so much that today I have 1386 friends.
Welcome to the world of scraping and orkuting.

After those 3 hours of non-stop orkuting I get a call from the system admin telling me to stop scraping else “We will SCRAPE you out!! From than on Orkut is blocked in my company. I am sitting perspiring in the AC thinking “Kya hoga Nimmo ka (I mean mera)” will the sys admin be calling up my supervisor and telling him about my mischief or will he be leavening me after the warning. The bond tune start in background! (It’s such a suspense) I am scared! I shout out loud and wake up to the dream with my mobile alarm ringing to the tune of 007!!!