Category: Blog

Human Animal Behavior

Note: This is a true conversation, which took place behind the back of lots of people.

Today I was in company cab coming down to office when it started to rain. I asked one of my colleague,

Me: What does it mean when it rains and sun is also out?
He: I don’t know!
Me: it means that somewhere a hyena is getting married!
He: do animals get married?
Me: ok tell me, are human being animal?
He: yes.
Me: do humans marry?
He: (he a bit skeptical) but humans are better than animals.
Me: Yes or no?
He: yes.
Me: you know humans are the only animals, which are compared with different animals
He: prove it?
Me: when one drinks too much people call him/ her dog!
He: what’s wrong with it?
Me: have u heard any dog called as human?
He: (silent)
Me: when a human is drink a lot and falls in a gutter people call him Pig!
Me: when one is really silent and saintly people call him/her a cow
Me: do you know what do people call a person like you who has got fat all over (including brain)
He: no
Me: donkey.
He: do you what do people call when some one acts like a monkey?
Me: No
He: you.

End of conversation

Better late than never

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time”
Marilyn Monroe

I used to be a writer for a small newspaper/ magazine group in India. They used to publish Bi-weekly (does it mean once in 2 week or twice a week) magazine. For which I was a permanent writer. Writers for the mag had to submit their “Creations” (the final draft) on or before first and third Wednesday of every month. When I was new the article were sent faster than the speed of their printing machines. My ed asked me to slow down and I got the speed of dot matrix printer. The editor was already tearing off his hair when I slowed down a little more and the last article I sent it was typed on a typewriter with one finger.

I being me never ever let my performance get hampered even after editors death threats

Excerpts of the meeting with the editor

Me- hello ed.
Ed- Huh! Who you?
Me- I am me.
Ed- who you?
Me- I came here to talk about my bi-weekly article.
Ed- who article?
Me- the magazine article

Now he is back in his sense

Ed- get out of my office this minute and don’t come back till you have the article ready.
Me- but this is just second Tuesday of the month.
Ed- I want the article that was supposed to be on my desk by first Wednesday
Me- ahh. That article. I will send it tomorrow
Ed- If I don’t get that article tomorrow SOMEONE WILL BE DEAD!
Me- who ed?
Ed- me!
Me- ok ed bye.
Ed- who you?

The editor was lost again.

I shot a mail to the editor telling him bout the delay. Here is the mail.

Hey its Hump day. Cheer up buddy. Its great that you have about to pass the weeks hump. The peak is passed. Now its all downhill so I am not planning to give you any more problems. As far as my article is considered, you can send the mag for a proof check I will send back my article directly on day of printing.

Enjoy the day!!
Hump Day

An Atheist

“I’m an atheist and I thank God for it.”
–George Bernard Shaw

I have always been an Atheist. Some examples to prove that I am a non-believer!
I did my schooling from Dehradun, a total of 7 years at the place. It’s a small town in the backdrops of Himalaya. For those who are yet to know why I mentioned doon (Dehradun) is because it was just 2 hours drive from this place to reach Haridwar. (Better read about it at the link than for me to type it out). Those 7 years of Doon took me to loads of place other than the famous Haridwar and Har ki paudi. It was not because I never got a chance to go but I never wanted to go!

Some people who know me call me an atheist by action and not by heart. May be because some times I do go to temple. When I am happy I say a silent prayer to thank the all mighty. When I am sad I pray for the betterment of my life. When I start a journey I pray for a safe journey! When a coin drops from my hand I pick it up and put it on my head. I some times recite those slakes which my mom and teacher made me remember when I was a kid. Or because I carry a copy of hanuman chalisha in wallet.

The sole reason, which makes me an atheist (By heart) is, the violence in the name of religion. The riots because of caste difference.
When I talk about this I am not talking about just India or any other country in particular. It’s the same in whole of the world. For e.g. the whole of Muslim community is divided between shiya and Sunnis. Saddam Hessian wasn’t known as the cruelest dictator of his time if he loved Sunnis. Hindus are broken into so many forms that it is really hard to distinguish who is who in Hindu community. The Christianity itself is broken into Catholics and Protestants.

Ahh such a long lecture. Here is Dirty adult joke for this entire lecture,

My neighbor uncle, who is 48, fell into a mud pond!!

The Egoistic Clash

The clash was not the thing I wanted to happen to me. The last thing I wanted to happen to me was a fight. The exchange of words took place at the most common place of the house. If you are thinking about bedroom, drawing room or dining room than you are absolutely wrong. It was the kitchen of the apartment I share with one of my colleague. The time was the black hour of the night when the sun has gone down and the moon has just started to climb. I had finished my dinner and was at the sink cleaning up the dirty utensils. For those who don’t know, I have to clean up all the dirty utensils of the house including the one in which the food was prepared. Cleaning being my daily routine so I used to do the cleaning with closed eyes. But on this day I had to open my eyes when my hand found something I was not accustomed of cleaning.

It was a coffee mug, which belonged to me but was being used by my roomy (My roomy had to clean his own utensils). He used to die (or is it dye) his hairs. The cup was dirty. Which made my blood boil and I thundered into his room and bellowed. Why the F#&K is this dirty cup with my utensils. He must have thought about the reply. He gave a flat and dry reply ” I had washed it I don’t know how come its dirty!!” this made me really angry and I said stop using my cup. He being another egoistic said, “I won’t be using anything than belongs to you” Hmmmmmmmm and the very next day he was off to buy himself the utensils for himself.

Now the question is who is wrong. Was it me or the moment when I asked him!!!

VOTM @ U2B.in Interview!!

Few days after winning the award of the VOTM @ u2b.in i got a call from chief editor for an interview. I said i will see as i am busy. But while putting down the phone i said ( habitually) “See ya later” and he landed up in at my place the same evening. All was done he took an interview but again he made the mistake of Hear Amritsar, Go Bihar. (misinterpreting me and than writing up thing that was not meant)

the part written wrong is in italics and the correction is in the( brackets following it )

Q1. Sir it is all over the net that you have been awarded ‘VOTM’ title by U2B.in… your reaction?
Well i am really happy to know that I have been chosen for this pretigious award. I had this feeling some where that I am the only one in the race. I would like to thank my dear collegue/ Maid and security guard to give a supporting hand (and leg) while i used to read http://www.u2b.in. Also, I would like to thank my Mom and Dad for wasting their money and time to educate me so that I can visit U2B.in everyday and comprehend the so called content that is posted there.

Q2. VOTM is a very prestigious title…How did your family react when they got this news.?
My father went into coma for the 1st 17 minutes(his doctors have instructed me never-ever I should mention anything about U2B.in to him).

My mom was at the beauty parlour when she got the news… I was told that somehow she started behaving like Nana Patekar… she slapped her self a few times.. banged her head against the wall( banged the beauticians head agaisnt the mirror)…kicked the beautician a few times (For not able to make my mom look like aishwarya).

My dog has already bitten 27people. It seems he wanted to win the race for number of hits. Mine being 27 to u2b.in.
My cook has stopped cooking and has taken a resolution That till he dosent make Bheja Fry ( “without bheja” fry of the chairman, as he is yet to have some brains) of the Chairman of U2b.in he wont cook.

Q3. U2B.in has spent some huge resources to publicize this VOTM event… your comments?
Stop publicizing.( Keep it up) It is a serious waste (proper use) of resource. I have got a better option for you. Give me the award every month.( and keep publicizing my victory) I have no qualm of receiving the award. However, it will be U2B.in’s responsibility to communicate this news to my parents (dog, maid and cook) everytime I get the award.

Q4. What would be your advice to the Chairman of U2B.in ?
Keep up the great work. I love the site so much that I have planned to launch a service called Crapd.in (make sure you shut down the site before my site comes up)

Q5. The official photographers of U2B.in were brutally kicked in the stomach by your maid and securtity men… Why did they behave so violently ? How did you control the situation ?
It seems that you have not read todays news paper. I have already asked for an apology and have issued a statement saying I was not aware of this situation.

It seems that my maid and security guard were busy watching abhi ash marriage footage and were really worked after seeing Amar Singhji running after Jaya Aunty.

I am exteremly sorry for my maid, cook and securities activities…to make good, I would like to give the exclusive online rights to host the wedding site of my dear and near “Komalangini sukumari sakhhu BAI Gayekwad” and “Bir
Suraj Samsher Jung BAHADUR Thapa” ( There pet/ Household names has been put in caps). Infact I want the chairman to perform the Kanyadaan for the bride.

Q6. The buzz is in the air that, the VOTM for the next quarter is already decided and again it is YOU… Are you overjoyed ?
Well I dont want to show off and tell the world what a great personality I am. I am very happy with what I have…though I have already won thhis prestigious title and it was a really tough competition. ( BTW, I
was told that I was the only participant). I think only time will tell who is the winner for the next quater. Let us wait and watch…I will surely love to win this title…(You think I am a f*&#% moron to visit this F&^@$% site everyday and not win?)

Q7. What do you have to tell the netizens..?
Its a very good question. Ahem… Hmm.. welll.. arrrr…. I would say …… hmmmm.. welllll….. (after some head tapping and foot banging) WTF do you mean by Netizen? Who is that ??