Better late than never

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time”
Marilyn Monroe

I used to be a writer for a small newspaper/ magazine group in India. They used to publish Bi-weekly (does it mean once in 2 week or twice a week) magazine. For which I was a permanent writer. Writers for the mag had to submit their “Creations” (the final draft) on or before first and third Wednesday of every month. When I was new the article were sent faster than the speed of their printing machines. My ed asked me to slow down and I got the speed of dot matrix printer. The editor was already tearing off his hair when I slowed down a little more and the last article I sent it was typed on a typewriter with one finger.

I being me never ever let my performance get hampered even after editors death threats

Excerpts of the meeting with the editor

Me- hello ed.
Ed- Huh! Who you?
Me- I am me.
Ed- who you?
Me- I came here to talk about my bi-weekly article.
Ed- who article?
Me- the magazine article

Now he is back in his sense

Ed- get out of my office this minute and don’t come back till you have the article ready.
Me- but this is just second Tuesday of the month.
Ed- I want the article that was supposed to be on my desk by first Wednesday
Me- ahh. That article. I will send it tomorrow
Ed- If I don’t get that article tomorrow SOMEONE WILL BE DEAD!
Me- who ed?
Ed- me!
Me- ok ed bye.
Ed- who you?

The editor was lost again.

I shot a mail to the editor telling him bout the delay. Here is the mail.

Hey its Hump day. Cheer up buddy. Its great that you have about to pass the weeks hump. The peak is passed. Now its all downhill so I am not planning to give you any more problems. As far as my article is considered, you can send the mag for a proof check I will send back my article directly on day of printing.

Enjoy the day!!
Hump Day

seriously serious!!

For last few days I tried to become as philosophical as much as I can get. There are reasons for everything. The reason of my being serious was something really serious. Here it goes.

I am a superstitious human being. My classmate during my school days told me that if I see a dream early in the morning, the dream would come true. I never believed them because I always saw a dream that it was holyday in my school. I even took colors to celebrate but my teachers beat me up black and blue. Than my friends told me only the bad dreams that come true.

A few days back I have been getting up after seeing one bad dream. The dreams are so threatening that I wake startled. The height of repetitiveness is so much that I hear the same background music.

The dream → I am sitting on my office chair for more than 3 hours now. 3 hours doing something which is the dream of every software engineer. All of them know that now all the torture of the engineering days is being paid back in ten folds. I am doing what I always wanted to do. I asked one of my friends “Hey you know that so and so guy is joining my company” and he scraped back saying “old news, dude!! Tell me something new!!” I have been exchanging events and gossips with my friend who is another company via the most reliable agent called Orkut! The tag line of orkut, “who do you know!” fascinated me so much that today I have 1386 friends.
Welcome to the world of scraping and orkuting.

After those 3 hours of non-stop orkuting I get a call from the system admin telling me to stop scraping else “We will SCRAPE you out!! From than on Orkut is blocked in my company. I am sitting perspiring in the AC thinking “Kya hoga Nimmo ka (I mean mera)” will the sys admin be calling up my supervisor and telling him about my mischief or will he be leavening me after the warning. The bond tune start in background! (It’s such a suspense) I am scared! I shout out loud and wake up to the dream with my mobile alarm ringing to the tune of 007!!!

VOTM @ U2B.in Interview!!

Few days after winning the award of the VOTM @ u2b.in i got a call from chief editor for an interview. I said i will see as i am busy. But while putting down the phone i said ( habitually) “See ya later” and he landed up in at my place the same evening. All was done he took an interview but again he made the mistake of Hear Amritsar, Go Bihar. (misinterpreting me and than writing up thing that was not meant)

the part written wrong is in italics and the correction is in the( brackets following it )

Q1. Sir it is all over the net that you have been awarded ‘VOTM’ title by U2B.in… your reaction?
Well i am really happy to know that I have been chosen for this pretigious award. I had this feeling some where that I am the only one in the race. I would like to thank my dear collegue/ Maid and security guard to give a supporting hand (and leg) while i used to read http://www.u2b.in. Also, I would like to thank my Mom and Dad for wasting their money and time to educate me so that I can visit U2B.in everyday and comprehend the so called content that is posted there.

Q2. VOTM is a very prestigious title…How did your family react when they got this news.?
My father went into coma for the 1st 17 minutes(his doctors have instructed me never-ever I should mention anything about U2B.in to him).

My mom was at the beauty parlour when she got the news… I was told that somehow she started behaving like Nana Patekar… she slapped her self a few times.. banged her head against the wall( banged the beauticians head agaisnt the mirror)…kicked the beautician a few times (For not able to make my mom look like aishwarya).

My dog has already bitten 27people. It seems he wanted to win the race for number of hits. Mine being 27 to u2b.in.
My cook has stopped cooking and has taken a resolution That till he dosent make Bheja Fry ( “without bheja” fry of the chairman, as he is yet to have some brains) of the Chairman of U2b.in he wont cook.

Q3. U2B.in has spent some huge resources to publicize this VOTM event… your comments?
Stop publicizing.( Keep it up) It is a serious waste (proper use) of resource. I have got a better option for you. Give me the award every month.( and keep publicizing my victory) I have no qualm of receiving the award. However, it will be U2B.in’s responsibility to communicate this news to my parents (dog, maid and cook) everytime I get the award.

Q4. What would be your advice to the Chairman of U2B.in ?
Keep up the great work. I love the site so much that I have planned to launch a service called Crapd.in (make sure you shut down the site before my site comes up)

Q5. The official photographers of U2B.in were brutally kicked in the stomach by your maid and securtity men… Why did they behave so violently ? How did you control the situation ?
It seems that you have not read todays news paper. I have already asked for an apology and have issued a statement saying I was not aware of this situation.

It seems that my maid and security guard were busy watching abhi ash marriage footage and were really worked after seeing Amar Singhji running after Jaya Aunty.

I am exteremly sorry for my maid, cook and securities activities…to make good, I would like to give the exclusive online rights to host the wedding site of my dear and near “Komalangini sukumari sakhhu BAI Gayekwad” and “Bir
Suraj Samsher Jung BAHADUR Thapa” ( There pet/ Household names has been put in caps). Infact I want the chairman to perform the Kanyadaan for the bride.

Q6. The buzz is in the air that, the VOTM for the next quarter is already decided and again it is YOU… Are you overjoyed ?
Well I dont want to show off and tell the world what a great personality I am. I am very happy with what I have…though I have already won thhis prestigious title and it was a really tough competition. ( BTW, I
was told that I was the only participant). I think only time will tell who is the winner for the next quater. Let us wait and watch…I will surely love to win this title…(You think I am a f*&#% moron to visit this F&^@$% site everyday and not win?)

Q7. What do you have to tell the netizens..?
Its a very good question. Ahem… Hmm.. welll.. arrrr…. I would say …… hmmmm.. welllll….. (after some head tapping and foot banging) WTF do you mean by Netizen? Who is that ??

The marriage that never happened.

Before the post let me make this clear that i am not in any way responsible for what ever happened.

The other day me and one of my frens (who by chance is a girl) were having a fight on my bad habit. By bad habit i mean she was angry on my smoking too much. Her argument was that cigarette kiils a person and stuff. After a long fight she said “Do you what is the defination of Cigarette?”

I said “no!”

She told the defination of cigarette is “One pinch of tobacco rolled in a paper, With fire at one end and Fool at another!” My reply to herr was “सिगरेट दिल को तो जलाती है, मगर होटो॑ के पास तो आती है।”( in english “Cigarette, it burns the heart But it does it but Kissing the lips”). She got really furious to me and said you wont be married to any girl if you think about kissing (and marry making) with every one you see.

suddenly it came back to me when i propsed a girl. I was lying next to her. she was the most nearest thing. and i really loved the way she was looking at me with those small beautiful eyes. Her smile was the best i could remember. we were both of the same ages. we knew each other, we spoke each others language, we had a bonding like no ne else had. We stayed together for more than 12 hours a day. we even slept together. But deep iside i knew she will be leaving me soon. we will be going our seprate way. so i poped her the question “Will you marry me” and that was it. she wailed like i have never heard before. she was crying like a baby. i also cried with her. The moment meant to cry. all of sudden all the kid in the pre nersery started crying. I knew that she wont be there with me for life and all these kids were giving me sympathy by crying wit me.

How To become a WoP!!

One day a Novice came to the Master.
“Master,” he said, “How is it that I may become a Writer of Programs?”
the Master looked solemly at the Novice.
“Have you in your possession a Compiler of Source Code?” the Master asked.
“No,” replied the Novice.
the Master sent the Novice on a quest to the Store of Software.

Many hours later the Novice returned.
“Master,” he said, “How is it that I may become a Writer of Programs?”
the Master looked solemly at the Novice.
“Have you in your possession a Compiler of Source Code?” the Master asked.
“Yes,” replied the Novice.
the Master frowned at the Novice.
“You have a Compiler of Source. What now can prevent you from becoming
a Writer of Programs?”
the Novice fidgeted nervously and presented his Compiler of Source to
the Master.
“How is this used?” asked the Novice.
“Have you in your possession a Manual of Operation?” the Master asked.
“No,” replied the Novice.
the Master instructed the Novice as to where he could find the
Manual of Operation.

Many days later the Novice returned.
“Master,” he said, “How is it that I may become a Writer of Programs?”
the Master looked solemly at the Novice.
“Have you in your possession a Compiler of Source Code?” the Master asked.
“Yes,” replied the Novice.
“Have you in your possession a Manual of Operation?” the Master asked.
“Yes,” replied the Novice.
the Master frowned at the Novice.
“You have a Compiler of Source, and a Manual of Operation. What now can
prevent you from becomming a Writer of Programs?”

At this the Novice fidgeted nervously and presented his Manual of Operations to
the Master.
“How is this used?” asked the Novice.
the Master closed his eyes, and heaved a great sigh.
the Master sent the Novice on a quest to the School of Elementary.

Many years later the Novice returned.
“Master,” he said, “How is it that I may become a Writer of Programs?”
the Master looked solemly at the Novice.
“Have you in your possession a Compiler of Source Code, a Manual of Operation
and an Education of Elementary?” the Master asked.
“Yes,” replied the Novice.
the Master frowned at the Novice.
“What then can prevent you from becomming a Writer of Programs?”

the Novice fidgeted nervously. He looked around but could find nothing to
present to the Master. the Master smiled at the Novice.
“I see what problem plagues you.” said the Master.
“Oh great master, please tell me.” asked the Novice.

the Master turned the Novice toward the door, and with a supportive hand on his
shoulder said, “Go young Novice, and Read The Fucking Manual.”

And so the Novice became enlightened.